


If My Heart was a House

by iBelBel



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-03-01
Packaged: 2019-11-04 19:25:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17904107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iBelBel/pseuds/iBelBel
Summary: Yaz and the Doctor realize and come to terms with their feelings for each otherBased around the song of the same title by Owl City





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have the whole fic written already, and I'll be posting a chapter every couple of days. I wrote each chapter kind of out of order, so sorry if my style changes chapter to chapter.

The Doctor stood at the console, fiddling with a few controls and looking at the monitor screen in front of her. Finally, she hit one last button and spun around, beaming, as sound began to flow out of some unseen part of the console. Although it was definitely recognizable as music, whatever instruments used sounded unearthly, and to Yaz’s ear the sound was distinctly alien.

The Doctor offered an outstretched hand to Yaz. “Care to dance?”

Yaz smiled shyly, taking the Doctor’s hand. The Doctor took Yaz’s free hand, placing it on her shoulder, and then rested her own lightly on Yaz’s hip. Yaz drew a sharp intake of breath, her skin prickling beneath the delicate touch. She felt her pulse quicken.

“This is a Katraturian dance.” The Doctor explained as she led Yaz through the steps. It started a bit like a waltz, but quickly evolved into faster and more elaborate movements as the tempo of the music sped up, and soon the Doctor was practically dragging Yaz in circles around the console. It was everything Yaz could do just to keep up with the Doctor, let alone try to follow the steps of the dance.

Eventually, the music began to fade to an end, and the pair slowed, giggling with wide grins gracing their features. As they rounded the console one last time, Yaz broke away, coming to rest with her back against a crystalline pillar. She sunk to the floor with a sigh, resting her palms flat on the floor at her sides, the corners of her mouth still tugged upwards.

The Doctor came to sit beside her, the tail end of laughter still bubbling its way up in her chest. She leaned back on her hands, legs sprawled out in front of her, the tip of her boot knocking slightly against Yaz’s. The next song was already well underway, the melody mixing with the hum of the TARDIS. “What’d you think?” The Doctor tilted her head back at to the side to gaze at Yaz.

“That was brilliant,” the corners of Yaz’s lips tugged up further for a moment, her dark eyes glittering like stars. Her features relaxed into a more tranquil smile as she rested her head against the pillar.

The Doctor suddenly realized she had been staring, and quickly dropped her eyes. She focused on her hand, which was resting on the floor very close to Yaz’s. So close, in fact, that she could feel her skin buzzing at the prospect of contact. In that moment, she wanted to take Yaz’s hand in her own, to kiss it, to kiss Yaz- she stopped that train of thought before it could go any further.

By now, the TARDIS had switched to Earth music, and was currently playing something soft and acoustic, and Yaz reached up to stifle a yawn, growing sleepy from the slow music, the hum of the ship, and the easy company.

Yaz’s eyelids were growing heavy, her shoulders slumping closer to the Doctor. She thought it would be so easy to lean over just a bit more and rest her head on the other woman’s shoulder. “I think I’m going to head to bed,” Yaz announced, pushing herself to her feet instead.

The Doctor tried to hide her disappointment, bidding Yaz a goodnight, though she stayed where she sat on the floor.

“What about you?” Yaz asked.

“Oh, I’ll be here. Don’t need much sleep, me. I’ll be fine.” The last part was more for herself than Yaz. Yaz nodded sleepily and waved a final goodnight as she disappeared down the corridor to find her room.

As the footsteps faded and the Doctor was left alone, she turned her focus to the music that still drifted from the console. She caught a few lyrics as she stood, going to the console.

_Chills run down my spine as our fingers entwine_  
_And your sighs harmonize with mine_  
_Unmistakably I can still feel your heart_  
_Beat fast when you dance with me_

____

She absently thought about Yaz’s hand in her own, the pulse thrumming within. How they had danced, the smiles it had brought to both of their faces.

____

She shut the music off quickly.

____


	2. Chapter 2

“Yasmin Khan, have you ever seen a sunset in reverse?” The Doctor twirled round the console, pushing buttons and flicking switches, as Yaz emerged from the corridor into the console room. 

Yaz chuckled, crossing her arms and leaning against a pillar. “You mean like a sunrise?” She asked with a smirk. 

“’Course not, silly. I mean a sunset, but backwards.” She paused to look at her companion, a hand on a leaver. 

“Still not seeing the difference.” Yaz said, pushing herself off the pillar and moving to rest the heels of her palms against the edge of the console, leaning towards the Doctor. 

“Oh, you’re gonna love this.” With a grin that told Yaz it was time to hold onto something, the Doctor pulled down on the leaver and sent the ship into motion. The room tilted steeply to one side, and Yaz went sliding into the Doctor, who caught her and stabilized her with a hand on her shoulder as the flight leveled out. 

Finally, the motion stopped, though the whoosh of the engines continued to hum in their ears. The Doctor bounced to the doors, throwing them open and stepping back with a hand outstretched in presentation. 

Yaz leaned her head out of the door, gripping tightly at the door frame as she realized how high above the ground they were. Below, she could make out a shoreline stretching infinitely in either direction, waves crashing on the sand in the fading light. “Where are we?”

“West coast of North America, above southern California to be a bit more precise. That’s the Pacific Ocean out there.” The Doctor leaned out next to Yaz, pointing out at the sea as she spoke. “You may want to take a seat.” She advised as she stepped back towards the console. Yaz did as she was told, her feet dangling out into open air as she sat in the doorway. The Doctor pressed a few controls and the TARDIS whirred at her. “Oh come on now, behave.” 

Yaz giggled and looked up as the Doctor rejoined her in the doorway, sitting down next to her. The engines started back up again, and Yaz could feel the vibrations of the ship rippling through her. She tightened her grip on the door frame. 

The Doctor put a hand over Yaz’s to steady her. “It’s ok, I’ve got you. I won’t let you fall.” 

“Thanks,” Yaz smiled, meeting the Doctor’s gaze. _But I think I already have._ She turned her hand over, curling her fingers around the Doctor’s, feeling more grounded already. “So what about this reverse sunset then?”

The Doctor cleared her throat, breaking eye contact. “Right, look.” She jutted her chin out towards the horizon, where the sky was beginning to shift from a deep purple to crimson. 

As Yaz watched, her eyes grew wide with realization that the sun was, in fact, rising from the west. “But…how?” Was all she could think to say.

“Look closely.”

Yaz squinted with concentration as she tried to spot whatever the Doctor wanted her to see. “The air is rippling…like a mirage. Is that what this is?”

“That’s the edge of the time vortex. We’re still traveling through time, just backwards. We’re basically going back in time at the same speed that time moves forward, a tiny increment at a time. And since we’re barely going anywhere with each second, we’re able to sit close enough to the edge of the time vortex to see out of it.” The Doctor explained. The look of awe that spread across Yaz’s face, still gazing out at the horizon, brought a grin to the Doctor’s lips. 

The Doctor watched as yellows and oranges and pinks flooded the sky through the reflection in Yaz’s eyes. She was content to just sit here forever, admiring the beautiful sight in front of her, and the rising sun. Eventually, she spoke again. “So, what do you think?”

Yaz turned, meeting her eyes. She matched the Doctor’s grin. “It’s brilliant.” She rested her head on the Doctor’s shoulder as she looked back out the door. They stayed that way in a comfortable silence, broken only by the TARDIS engines, until the sun had risen.


	3. Chapter 3

Yaz wandered the halls of the TARDIS, lost in thought and letting the ship take her where she willed. She ran a hand along the wall, her leisurely footfalls echoing down the corridors. It was a change from the usual running on their adventures. She may have physically been on the TARDIS floating aimlessly in the time vortex, but her mind was elsewhere. Yaz was thinking about the Doctor. 

As she wandered, so did her mind, winding its way through her and the Doctor’s relationship, dipping into her subconscious and exploring thoughts that she usually kept silenced, except for when she was feeling especially alone. Tonight was one of those times. There wasn’t any particular reason she was feeling lonely, she had her friends and her family, but she craved something else. Something more. 

That’s where her mind circled back to the Doctor. The incredible, brilliant, beautiful Doctor that had fallen into her life and given her the universe. The best person she had ever met. That’s what Yaz wanted. She let herself imagine, just for a moment, what it could be like if the Doctor knew how she felt, if the Doctor felt the same. 

_But why would she feel the same? I’m just an ordinary human, a blip in the universe compared to her._

Yaz sighed, rounding a corner. As she did so, a door near her clicked open, hanging slightly ajar. “You want me to go in there?” She asked aloud to the TARDIS. The walls hummed beneath her fingertips as if in confirmation. She gave a soft smile. “Alright, let’s see what you’ve got for me.” 

Yaz creaked open the door and found herself in a dome, the walls an inky black. The darkness was broken by countless stars, colorful nebulas, and spiraling galaxies that swirled behind the glassy surface. “Wow,” Yaz gasped, stepping further into the room. The floor was padded, and she removed her shoes, lying on her back with her arms folded behind her head to gaze out at the endless expanse of space. She could feel the TARDIS humming gently against her back.

“This is beautiful.” As she spoke the word, it conjured another image in her mind. She suddenly wished the Doctor were there with her, lying together under the stars. 

_You should tell her how you feel._ A voice in the back of Yaz’s mind told her. 

“What if she doesn’t like me back? What if I make it weird, and she decides to leave me behind?” Yaz murmured to herself. “Is it worth the risk?”

 _You’ll never know if you don’t take that leap. Anything worth loving is worth taking risks for._ The voice whispered. _Tell her. You’ll regret it if you don’t._

Yas sighed, squeezing her eyes shut for a moment. Her heart raced at the thought of confronting the Doctor with her feelings, but it soared with hope at the possibility that her feelings were shared. 

~~*~~

The Doctor was halfway under the console, tools scattered about her. With a final buzz of the sonic, she wriggled herself out, sitting up. The TARDIS whirred at her. “What’s got you in a mood?” She brushed a hand affectionately over the edge of the control panel as she got to her feet. 

She could feel the TARDIS’s consciousness brushing against her own, producing an image in her mind. 

“What about Yaz? I thought you liked her.” The TARDIS sat silently, aside from the constant hum of the engines, as if waiting. The Doctor wracked her brain, trying to think of any reason for her ship to have a problem with Yaz. She could certainly think of quite a few reasons that she liked her. Then a thought hit her. “Are you jealous of Yaz?” 

The Doctor took the whirr that the ship made as a sort of confirmation. She sighed. “Look, you’ve got nothing to worry about. Yeah, I like her. I really like her. But it could never work. I can’t do it again.” The Doctor slumped against the console. “I’ve lived for so long, and I would have to just keep on living after she was gone. It wouldn’t be fair. I couldn’t do that to her, don’t want to do that to myself.” She cast her gaze downwards. 

The TARDIS hummed, and the words _talk to her_ formed in the Doctor’s mind. 

The Doctor huffed. “What good would that do? I would only put her at risk.” _I can’t et her end up like Rose, or River, or Clara._ Her throat tightened with grief at the thought. 

_Just talk to her. You can’t be alone forever._

The Doctor wrinkled her nose. “Maybe I will. Maybe if I hear it from her, that this can’t happen, I’ll get over it.” The Doctor turned on her heels, heading off down the corridor. She wasn’t sure where she was going, or where she could find Yaz, but she trusted her feet and the TARDIS to steer her in the right direction. 

The Doctor followed the twists and turns of the corridors, simply going where the TARDIS let her, until she eventually reached a door with a light on above it. “She’s in here?” she asked quietly, resting a hand flat against the door. The ship hummed in confirmation. Taking a deep breath and closing her eyes for a moment, the Doctor let her hand slide down the wood to find the handle. She turned the handle, slowly pulling the door open as she exhaled. 

The Doctor’s hearts skipped beats at the sight that welcomed her. Yaz was lying in the center of the room, surrounded by stars. At the sound of the door, she twisted around to face the source of the disturbance, a grin gracing her features as she spotted the Doctor. 

“Hey, Doctor. Care to join me?” Yaz patted the padded floor next to her, looking at the Doctor expectantly. 

The Doctor smiled softly, moving to settle down beside Yaz. She rested her hands on her stomach, hyper aware of where her shoulder brushed Yaz’s. 

After minutes of a comfortable silence, which felt like an eternity, Yaz shifted slightly, turning her head to face the other woman. Sensing the movement, the Doctor turned and met her gaze, their faces only inches apart. “Doctor?” Yaz’s voice was barely a whisper.

“Yeah?” The Doctor’s reply sounded faraway in her own ears. She was lost in this moment, lost in Yaz’s dark, shining eyes. 

Yaz opened her mouth to speak, hesitating for a moment. Her eyes darted to the Doctor’s lips for a fraction of a second. She desperately wanted to tell the Doctor how she felt, but something was stopping her. Eventually, she said “tell me about the stars.” Her fingers twitched, inching themselves closer to the Doctor’s, longing to be intertwined. 

“What do you want to know?” 

“Anything.” Yaz didn’t care what it was, she could listen to the Doctor talk for an eternity, and still be clinging to every word the woman said. It didn’t matter what she was talking about, to Yaz, everything she said was endlessly fascinating.

That was one thing the Doctor loved about Yaz. She could ramble long past when anyone else would have long since begged her to stop, and Yaz would still be interested. She never seemed to bore of the Doctor’s stories and knowledge, and it made it so easy to just talk. And so she did. She told Yaz about the stars, about supernovas and quasars, black holes and nebulas. She pointed out galaxies and solar systems above them, whole new constellations visible from this side of the universe. Yaz listened to it all, captivated; not by the information itself, but the Doctor’s voice, the way she lit up as she shared her knowledge, the way some topics seemed to bring up memories, and she would become suddenly sad, or happy, or simply faraway. 

At one point, while the Doctor was talking about supernovas, Yaz had asked if she had ever seen one, and the Doctor had gone quiet. Yaz turned to fully face her, propping herself up on an elbow, looking down at her. 

“Yeah, yeah I have. Long time ago. I was using the energy to send a message, bit time sensitive, so I didn’t have much of a chance to actually see it.” Her face fell, and she quietly added “it was a goodbye.”

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.” Yaz put a hand comfortingly over the Doctor’s. The Doctor laced her fingers with Yaz’s. 

“Nah, it’s fine. How would you have known?” She absently brushed her thumb along the back of Yaz’s hand, thinking. 

Yaz stared at their joined hands. The pair had been talking so easily all night, but now Yaz’s throat tightened at what she was about to say, nerves suddenly taking hold. She pushed them down, knowing that this was her chance. “Doctor, I have to tell you something,” She finally said.

At the exact same instant, the Doctor said “I want to talk to you about-” They both paused, staring at each other for a moment, before nervous laughter took hold of the pair.

“You go first,” Yaz offered. Not only was she glad for a few more moments to prepare what she wanted to say, but she also knew that whichever way this went, what Yaz had to say would be likely to change the mood of the conversation, and she wanted to give the Doctor the opportunity before that happened. 

The Doctor sighed, pushing herself upright into a seated position. Yaz copied her, and the both sat cross legged, facing each other. “I’m…worried.” She began slowly. “Worried about you.”

“Why are you worried about me?” Yaz’s confusion momentarily outweighed the growing concern sparked by the Doctor’s tone. 

“I’m worried for your safety. Traveling with me, that is. I’m afraid that I can’t protect you. This life, it’s dangerous, and I’ve lost so many people. I couldn’t bear to lose you.” She spoke earnestly, her eyes betraying past grief. 

“Doctor, you don’t have to protect me, I can take care of myself. I know what I signed on for.” Yaz tried to reassure the Doctor, but she was beginning to feel, with a sense of dread, that perhaps she had read everything wrong. Perhaps this was the Doctor’s way of saying that she didn’t want her around anymore, trying to let her down easy. 

“Yaz, you don’t understand,” The Doctor took Yaz’s hands in her own. “It’s different now. When you first joined me, it was different. Everyone I’ve _really_ cared about, I’’ve lost. You were safer before I-I…” she stopped herself before she said something she wasn’t prepared to. Her grip on Yaz’s hands tightened. 

“Before you what, Doctor? What’s changed?” Yaz’s voice trembled. 

The Doctor swallowed hard, her mouth dry. “Before I…” her resolve broke, and she turned away, closing in on herself. “I can’t- don’t make me say it.”

Yaz suddenly thought she understood what it was the Doctor couldn’t say. She, somewhat reluctantly, pulled one of her hands from the Doctor’s. With the back of one finder under the Doctor’s chin, she gently guided the blonde’s gaze back to her own, before moving her hand to rest lightly on the Doctor’s cheek. Searching those hazel eyes, she was sure. “Doctor,” she started quietly. “Please tell me. I’m here for you, whatever happens.” She needed to hear it, so she pushed, if only gently. 

The Doctor leaned slightly into the touch. She knew there was no going back, but now she didn’t want to. She didn’t want things between her and Yaz to go back to how they had been, she wanted this. _Here goes, Geronimo._ she thought with a deep breath, trying to summon past courage. “Before I fancied you.” She brought her hand to Yaz’s on her cheek. “I like you, Yaz.” The moments it took Yaz to react stretched out, and the Doctor’s chest was tight as she began to feel rising panic.

Finally, a relieved smile broke over Yaz’s face. “Doctor, do you want to know what I wanted to tell you tonight?” As she spoke, she slowly leaned closer, and could feel the Doctor doing the same, until their foreheads nearly touched. Yaz’s next words were barely a whisper, her breath ghosting over the Doctor’s lips. “I like you too.”

Yaz’s hand shifted to the back of the Doctor’s neck. She felt the Doctor move ever closer, and Yaz pulled her in, closing the last fraction of an inch between them. Kissing the Doctor was everything she could have hoped and more, and when the other woman kissed her back eagerly, she knew that this moment was absolutely perfect. 

The Doctor’s hands drifted to Yaz’s hips, dragging her closer until Yaz was in the Doctor’s lap, their bodies flush. When they finally came up for air, Yaz draped her arms loosely around the Doctor’s neck, and the Doctor beamed at her. 

The Doctor sent a silent thank you to the TARDIS. She was beginning to suspect the ship knew this would happen when she dropped her above Sheffield, onto that train, and into Yaz’s life.


	4. Chapter 4

Yaz and the Doctor stood hand in hand on a hilltop, knee deep in amber grass. The day had been long, though it had also gone by in a flash.

It had started exploring an alien marketplace, the Doctor dragging Yaz along, trying alien foods, buying alien trinkets, talking to aliens, all the while Yaz listening to some story or explanation from the Doctor with a grin.

Then, everything had changed. It was like a sense of dread had washed over Yaz, and a sort of buzzing had filled the air, not heard, but felt.

Now, as the pair stood overlooking the village, thick black smoke billowed from the remnants of the marketplace. It turned evening sky a darker shade, blotting out the stars that had begun to appear. An eerie silence had fallen, far different from the screams and cries of terror and anguish that had met the destruction before.

The first real sign of danger had come as an explosion rocked the marketplace. The side of a building had been blown out, leaving debris lying scattered across the cobbled street. Several people that had been caught in the blast laid injured or dead among the rubble. The Doctor and Yaz had forced their way through the fleeing crowds, attempting to help the injured. The Doctor scanned the area with her sonic as they ran, but didn’t have time to check the readings before she reached the first victim. Yaz joined her at the man’s side, and as she helped him to his feet, the Doctor checked the sonic, then glanced around frantically.

“Get them out of here,” Yaz could still hear the panic edging in the Doctor’s voice ringing in her ears. She didn’t need the Doctor to say it to know what was going on. There were more bombs. She nodded even as the dread filled her, and ran off to help the other wounded as quickly as she could.

Yaz and the Doctor lost each other in the chaos, and Yaz later learned that the Doctor had gone off to try to disarm the explosives. Now the grief weighed on the Doctor’s shoulders as she watched the village burn, knowing she had failed. Homes crumbled as they watched, dark shapes surrounded by bright oranges and reds.

They did everything they could, but eventually they too were forced to flee by the fires that had broken out as incendiary bombs had gone off across the village. The Doctor had found Yaz on the outskirts of the town with a crowd of scared citizens. Yaz was sitting at the base of a tree, a child wailing in her lap. She was trying to comfort the child and calm her down enough to get any kind of information that would help to find her parents, but it was no use. Yaz looked up with dark, pleading eyes as the Doctor approached. Together, they eventually found the girl’s father.

As the sky darkened, even the sunset masked by the smoke, the pair had climbed the hill together and the Doctor explained what she had discovered. The bombs were planted as the first wave of an invasion by a species from a neighboring planet. She had stopped them before they could do any more harm, but not before the fires had started. Now the Doctor and Yaz watched those fires obliterate the village in the valley below. Further along the valley, campfires dotted the landscape where the evacuees had set up to rest for the night, before the long journey to the next town over.

Yaz was the first to look away, turning her gaze to the Doctor. The Doctor met her eyes, squeezing the other woman’s hand in her own.

“Doctor,” Yaz’s voice was hoarse, and she blinked tears from her eyes as they left tracks down her cheeks.

“Hm?” the Doctor reached up with her free hand, resting it on Yaz’s jaw and brushing tears away with her thumb.

Yaz took a deep breath, her chest tight. “Let’s go home.” Her voice cracked on the last word.

The Doctor felt her hearts break. She said nothing, just pressed her lips together and gave a short nod, dropping her hand from Yaz’s face. 

The walk back to the TARDIS on the next hill was filled with silence, aside from the swishing of the grass beneath their feet, and the breeze that picked up as they walked. Yaz looked longingly through the dark at the Doctor, who walked a little ways ahead with her hands in her pockets. 

They reached the TARDIS, and the Doctor pushed the door open with a familiar creak, holding it open for Yaz before bouncing up to the console. “Right, Sheffield then…” She kept her eyes fixed on the controls as she input the coordinates. 

“Why are we going to Sheffield?” Yaz asked, coming to stand beside the Doctor. 

“You wanted to go home, didn’t you?” She looked up finally, and Yaz could see the pain in her hazel eyes. 

Yaz gave a sad smile. “Doctor, you really can be daft sometimes.” She stepped closer, wrapping her arms around the Doctor’s waist and pulling their bodies flush. “I am home.” She leaned in, kissing the Doctor as the other woman’s hands came to rest on the back of her neck.


End file.
